Defeating Frenemies: Next Stop, To Infinity and Beyond

A common resolution for the New Year is cutting toxic people out of your life.   If you have people who are causing you sadness or aggravation instead of bringing joy, here are some ways to cut your losses and go to infinity and beyond in new friendships:

Talk or Nudge Them Out

New Year’s Resolution Idea #1: Cutting Toxic People Out of Your Life

(Inspired by Dylan Buckley)

• Sit down your friend or loved one and have a conversation with them about their behavior. Some people are unaware of their behavior and will be willing to change, while others may be defensive. If they blame you, shut you down, and then proceed to act out, that's a sign that you may need to cut them out. 
• Cutting people out of your life doesn't need to be all at once. Nudging them out by gradually removing them from all aspects of your life. Delete them from your contacts and block their number; remove them from social media, and remove them from anything else that you see fit. Keep all face-to-face interactions to a minimum, and politely reject invitations to events. 

The Level or Relationship Matters

Brandi-Ann Uyemura, with Psychology Central, says that what you do depends on the level of intensity of the relationship. For example, if you are an acquaintance, someone you see sporadically, you may decrease your calls and dates to none. But if it is someone you see every day with no way to hide, focus on expressing your idea to spend time apart.

Irene S. Levine, freelance writer, said who wrote Best Friends Forever? Surviving a Break Up With Your Best Friend advises that using technology is fine as a way to say goodbye.

Using Tech

Email, texting, direct messages can benefit the recipient in a breakup as they can give someone time to think and reaction. The medium of texting makes it easier to keep your emotions in check, as it gives you time to select the appropriate words to express your feelings instead of reacting emotionally to the situation.  Take responsibility for your part and do not blame. In person, take responsibility and resist the interest in blaming the other person. Alternatively, you can use technology to write out what you are going to say and practice it, if you are uncomfortable winging it.

The Gentle Way

It is likely that by using gentle ways of distancing yourself from a relationship that your friend may get the message. For example, gentle ways to distance yourself include: ceasing text messages, emailing, or taking a few days to reply to; being too busy to hang out; and expressing willingness to hang out in group mode rather than individually to reduce intensity.

Own your part

If fading does not work you can talk to someone directly, which takes a lot of bravery. Use, “I” statements like “I feel upset when you talk abut yourself all the tie and never ask anything about me” versus you statements, “you are always so selfish.”

Benefits of Letting Go

It is not easy to say goodbye to a long term and or close friendship. However, moving on frees you up for new and healthy relationships.  If dealing with people makes you feel upset, angry, and lonely it may be time to move on. Removing people from your life gives you the opportunity to grow.  In the New Year, saying goodbye opens up mental space to happier relationships in which kindness and attention is reciprocated. Why not give yourself the gift of joy for the New Year?